How NOT To Fight About Money
Post Updated August, 2023
Fighting About Money
Arguments about money are common in couples (bummertown, I know). When it comes to divorce and separation, fighting about money is one of the leading causes. In a study about marital conflict, couples shared that money fights were “more pervasive, problematic, and recurrent (Papp, Cummings, and Goeke, 2009).” But fighting about money doesn't have to be expected in your relationship. In this post, I'll talk about how not to fight about money. Because, to be honest, there are much better ways to spend your time in a relationship than arguing over money.
Arguing Over Money
Arguing about money comes up a lot in my work with couples. The Gottman Institute says that arguments between couples generally take one of the following four paths: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. In Gottman speak, they are called "The Four Horsemen," a nod to the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I'll break each of these four money arguments down here:
Criticism/Blame: Criticizing your partner directly attacks who your partner is. Criticism is different than a needs-based observation, and more of a jab at your partner. When it comes to money, criticizing your partner might sound like, "You never stop to consider how your spending is impacting us!" Or, "Opening up another line of credit without talking to me proves that you're always putting yourself first. You're so selfish!"
Contempt: Contempt takes criticism up a notch to a dangerous territory as it adds on a layer of knowing more than your partner or a position of superiority. Some examples of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and vicious or aggressiveness masked as humor or jokes. Contempt toward your partner financially sounds like, "I can't believe you don't understand credit scores. How old are you? When will you figure this out? It's so basic," or "Seriously? You forgot again to schedule an appointment with your companies retirement rep? How many times are you going to use 'forget' as an excuse?"
Defensiveness: When we feel attacked, we, of course, are going to put up our guard. However, defensiveness is more than just protecting yourself. Being defensive in a relationship financially often looks like searching for excuses instead of taking ownership of your part of the financial situation. Defensiveness sounds like, "Are you seriously going to ask me why I didn't file our taxes? You haven't lifted a finger around here and expect me to manage everything."
Stonewalling: Stonewalling happens when one person completely withdrawals from the conversation. Rather than addressing money issues with their partner, stonewallers can tune out, turn away physically or emotionally, act busy, or engage in distracting behaviors. It's hard to "show" an example of this as it usually looks like giving your partner the silent treatment or avoiding them.
How to Not Fight About Money
Learning how to identify these four typical responses to money arguments can be tricky but is important. Again, the Gottman Institute offers four "antidotes" to these four horsemen. They are: "I" statements, a culture of appreciation, responsibility, and self-soothing. Having these four antidotes can be helpful tools to have in your toolkit to help you and your partner not fight about money.
"I" statements: If you've ever been in therapy (and if you haven't, what are you waiting for? Seriously, therapy is for everyone), you'll be familiar with the "I" statement. Simply put, it's answering how you are experiencing, interpreting, or feeling things. It takes the heat off of the other person in the conversation and allows you to state how you feel so they can understand your point of view. Put simply, it looks like starting your statements with things like "I feel . . ." or "I need . . ." It looks like saying, "I feel removed from our finances. I need to be included in big financial decisions," instead of "You always make money choices without considering me!"
A note on the "I" statement: starting with an "I" statement that ends in blaming isn't really using the "I" statement formula. For example, "I feel that you're too stupid to handle money" will likely escalate things and continue the cycle of fighting about money. "I feel that I'm excluded from money decisions" would be a more appropriate use of this tip.
Culture of Appreciation: Regularly acknowledging the positive things in your relationship or that your partner does is a way to cultivate a culture of appreciation. When I used to work with kiddos and parents, we'd call this "watering the flowers, not the weeds." In other words, if something is a minor annoyance, but your partner does a lot of great stuff, focus on the great stuff. This looks like regularly practicing gratitude and kindness aloud in your relationship. When it comes to finances, it could be thanking your partner for paying off a big bill or acknowledging when they spent a little extra time researching financial planners.
Responsibility: Taking ownership of your actions and role in the conflict is an antidote to defensiveness. This doesn't mean taking on additional blame or ownership when something isn't your fault; it's simply and honestly owning your contribution to things. It could be taking responsibility for any type of money mistake or procrastination when it comes to money. An example is saying to your partner, "I know I said I'd call our CPA to schedule a meeting to file our taxes. With everything going on, I dropped the ball. I'm going to call them first thing in the morning to get us on their schedule."
Self-Soothing: During an argument, our bodies become physiologically activated, often leading to a response of fight, flight, or freeze. The latter two, flight and freeze, can look like stonewalling. Instead of freezing or leaving the situation, you can say to your partner that you need a minute, or thirty, to take a breath and calm down. To practice self-soothing, there are many different things you can try. Some ideas include taking deep breaths, getting in physical movement, hugging someone or petting an animal, laughing, crying, or taking a bath or shower.
Compromise vs. Collaboration in a Relationship
Compromise and collaboration are often used interchangeably in couples' work, but they are pretty different. Compromise is finding an agreement or solution requiring both people to concede things. A way to think about compromise is that each person wins a little and loses a little to find a compromise. Collaboration, on the other hand, is finding a mutually beneficial solution. When a couple collaborates on a solution, they both win. Collaborations can take longer to agree on, and both people have to be willing to engage in a potentially awkward conversation. This is why the four antidotes to fighting are important if you want to reach a healthy agreement.
Tips to Not Argue About Money
Once you've got your four antidotes down, I invite couples to take it a step further to find shared values, so they can decide on solving a money problem through compromise or collaboration. Doing this can help you not argue about money as you find a shared goal for your money.
Finding shared values is important in a relationship. This helps couples find a "why" behind the goal they are working toward. Sharing values is not the same as sharing a belief system. Many couples have different beliefs (think: couples in interfaith marriages) but have shared values. Even though their belief systems are different, they value fundamental ideas about their life and relationship. For example, a couple may share values of sustainability, finding joy and optimism, and equity. Once you know what your shared values are in a relationship, it makes it easier to solve that problem using compromise or collaboration.
Stop Fighting About Money
To stop fighting about money, first, make sure you know how to identify possible barriers in having a conversation about money. Once you can identify criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling in your relationship, it's time to create a culture of appreciation, using "I" statements, taking responsibility, and self-soothing. Finally, identifying your shared values can help you work toward a solution with your money. While collaborating on a solution is ideal, a compromise isn't a bad place to land.
If you want to learn more about the importance of finding values in your relationship and identifying you and your partner's financial archetypes so you can create a spending and saving plan that works for you, check out Clarify for Couples.