How to Talk About Money

You're not alone if you’ve ever clammed up or stumbled over your words. Whether it's explaining to your nieces and nephews why you can't buy them ice cream again or discussing a house down payment with your partner, money conversations are inevitable. Despite our progress, surveys show people still find talking about money more awkward than discussing sex. But trust me, many of us want to have these conversations; we just don't know how to start. I’m laying out 5 steps to help you have the money talk.

Is it Rude To Talk About Money?

We can do so much work on our interpersonal relationship with money, for example, exploring how we think, feel, and behave with money, but at the end of the day, we're going to have to talk to other people about money. These money conversations can be as small as telling your niece and nephew that you can't buy them ice cream (again) to as large as talking to your aging parents about how to afford their care as they age.

Which begs the question, "Is it rude to talk about money?" Short answer? No. Money talk isn't rude, but it requires more tactfulness than other types of conversations because of money's taboo nature in our society. 

With that, here are my tips to help you communicate better about money.

How to Have A Conversation About Money: Creating a Comfortable Environment

Let's kick things off by setting the stage. How to have a conversation about money starts with creating the right atmosphere. Money talk can be awkward, so give the person you want to talk about money with a heads-up. This might look like asking your partner, "Can we talk about our grocery budget before we next go to the store?" If you are talking to your parents about needing to move into assisted living, address that it's uncomfortable, but don't let that discomfort get in the way. Try,  "This might feel a little awkward, but I know you and Dad are having a harder time getting around in your home. When I visit next week, I'd like to discuss affording moving into assisted living."

Giving the other person–or people–a heads-up that you want to talk about money also gives them time to prepare for the conversation. It also helps to frame the money conversation around a specific topic. 

When it comes to the literal environment of the conversation, keep in mind what works for each unique relationship. For example, some romantic partners may do better at home in a quiet environment with easy access to their banking statements, laptops, and credit cards. Alternatively, a casual chat with a friend about how they saved up for their child's education might be ok to have on an upcoming walk through the neighborhood. If you know the other person tends to get upset in private, asking them to meet you at a public outdoor cafe might help contain intense emotions. Know yourself—and your communication counterpart—to make the money talk productive. 

Knowing Your Why: Clarifying Your Money Conversation Intentions

Now, let's discuss the why behind the conversation. Understanding your motivations and objectives is crucial for staying focused and achieving meaningful outcomes. Whether you are seeking clarity on a financial matter, addressing concerns, or simply sharing information, knowing your why provides a clear intention for the discussion. 

Knowing your why can help redirect you if you get off topic. When we talk about money, having a specific focus can help contain the conversation. Think: Is the purpose of this money conversation to get an answer to a specific question, to get on the same page with someone else, or to share advice? Take a moment to reflect on your intentions before diving into the conversation—it'll make a world of difference!

Initiating the Money Conversation: Finding the Right Moment

Now, let's talk about initiating the conversation. Finding the right moment to broach the subject of money can be challenging. That's where a "breadcrumb" method can come in handy! 

Whether sharing relevant anecdotes or discussing recent news stories, use these subtle cues to ease the conversation. You can gradually steer the dialogue towards the intended topic without causing discomfort or resistance by gauging the other person's receptiveness and readiness.

For example, if you want to use the news as a breadcrumb with your partner and your taxes, it might sound like, "I saw our tax brackets are going to change this year. When was the last time we looked at our withholdings?" This can help prime the pump for a financial conversation with your partner.

Talking about money with friends can feel tricky, but it's an important part of having a healthy and open friendship. In another money conversation example that a friend is derailing, keep returning to the current topic. For example, "I'd love to talk about trip planning, but not right now. Right now, I need to ask you to repay me for last week's dinner that I put on my card."

Alternatively, if you are a parent of a high school student, you might say to them, "I was talking to our neighbor last night about how their daughter got a scholarship to school. By the end of this week, I want to talk to you about what we plan to pay for and what will be your responsibility."

Keeping it Contained: Focusing on Key Money Points

In the heat of the moment, it's easy to get carried away and veer off course. But remember, less is more! Keeping the conversation contained around one to three key money points ensures clarity and prevents information overload. 

Whether negotiating a raise with your boss or discussing household expenses with your partner, stick to the essentials. Doing so will maintain control of the conversation and increase the likelihood of a positive outcome. You can name the other point, but keep it contained. 

Using "I" Language When Talking About Money

Let's talk about communication tips, explicitly using "I" language. What is "I" language? It is a powerful tool for expressing your feelings without assigning blame, which we use all the time in therapy, and it is also helpful in other contexts outside of the therapy room. Instead of talking about people who talk about money or pondering if it's rude to talk about money, focus on how certain financial actions make you feel and how they impact you with "I" statements.

For example, if you're talking to your partner about overspending, instead of saying, "I can't believe you maxed out the credit card on camping gear again!" try saying, "I feel concerned about our spending habits. When can we review our spending plan?"

Here's another example of navigating a difference in risk tolerance with your partner. Instead of "You are so stupid for putting all of our assets into the stock market!" Try, "I'm not comfortable with the risk we are taking. Can we talk together, and with a financial planner, about a more balanced investment strategy?"

Using "I" language, you shift the focus from criticism to collaboration, paving the way for a more constructive conversation.

Expressing Gratitude: Showing Appreciation

Money talks can be challenging, so showing gratitude to those willing to engage in the discussion is essential. Whether it's your partner, friend, or colleague, please take a moment to express appreciation for their time and willingness to participate. Money conversations require vulnerability and resilience, mainly because money can be emotionally charged. Extending gratitude for the money conversation can help the other person feel valued and honor how much you appreciate them. A simple "thank you" goes a long way in making the conversation less awkward and more productive. 

It might sound like, "Thanks for chatting with me about this. I know money talk can be uncomfortable, and it means a lot that we did this together." Remember, mutual respect and appreciation are the cornerstones of effective communication. This can also end the money talk on a positive note, paving the way for more tension-free financial conversations in the future. 

Mastering Money Talks with Confidence

Getting confident talking to others about money takes time, but it’s not impossible! Keeping these key tips in mind–knowing your why, setting the stage, using I language, and keeping the conversation contained–are all conversation tips that can help you feel more comfortable talking money. 

If you want more help learning how to have money conversations, I’d love to share more by coming to your organization with a tailored presentation on how to have the money talk. Learn more about bringing a financial therapist to work right here.